1:04 AM

Ever feel like you’re going to crawl out of your skin? Like everything inside is too messy, jumbled and confusing and full and you just want to scream and let it all out. I don’t even know what I’d say, but I know it’d make me free of this constant stream of thought, winding itself in and out of my mind, this long line of “you, you, you” running through the contours of my brain.

You made me smile today and said I loved you.

You were right.

I do.

11:12 PM

Incoming text: I will never love. 

4:31 AM

Things I don’t want to forget: The first time, the taste of wine on your tongue, bitter and sweet, music too loud, pounding through my veins. The way I cried the next morning, scared and unsure, sun pouring in through the window and dancing on your back. You pushed the hair behind my ear and said everything would be all right. The way you played your guitar and sang softly, smiling and sure, “the king of marigold was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast for the queen.” You forgot the words and I thought you were beautiful. 

Things I want to forget: The first time, the taste of wine on your tongue, bitter and sweet, music too loud, pounding through my veins. The way I cried the next morning, scared and unsure, sun pouring in through the window and dancing on your back. You pushed the hair behind my ear and said everything would be all right. The way you played your guitar and sang softly, smiling and sure, “the king of marigold was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast for the queen.” You forgot the words and I thought you were beautiful. 

6:24 PM

i get it bad when it’s twilight outside, the world trying to make up its mind, those in between moments, day or night. i want to ask you what we’re doing, if we’ll ever stop and decide who we are and what we want. but i’m afraid of the answer. i already know the answer. we can’t keep going on like this, taking from each other and not giving anything. i tell myself i love you, but i can’t tell you. i’ll never tell you. you said what we had was broken, i said we can fix it. what’s broken can always be fixed but what’s fixed will always be broken, i repeat it like a mantra in my head, i hear your voice whispering in the dark “wait for me, wait for me and i’ll be yours forever.” 

2:48 AM

the only time i want to write is three in the morning, body drunk on warm wine, mind drunk on thoughts of you.

i open a book. i drink up its words.

chapter one, a woman, fast asleep with a lover by her side, he watches her, kisses her, loves her. i turn the page and find her at work. every day, happy. maybe she’s a doctor, a singer, an actress. every day, happy. turn the page and the lines are blurring, we’re dancing at our wedding, a smile on my face, a smile in your eyes. chapter five and there’s children, maybe a girl, maybe she has your hands. chapter twelve and we live in your parents’ old home, maybe we take walks down that pathway in the back, maybe you kiss me and you laugh at the sun. chapter twenty and i’m alone, maybe you got sick, maybe you got tired. i’m asleep, tossing and turning, twisting the sheets.

it’s three in the morning, body drunk on warm wine, mind drunk on thoughts of you.

i open a book. i pour out my words. 

12:39 AM

And it’s in these stolen sleepy moments, lurking behind a curtain of consciousness, that I allow myself to wonder at the delicate melody you and I have written. Like figures traced in the stars of the heavens, we are immortalized - beautiful beacons to the broken-hearted, forever remembered as what once was and can never be again. 

10:22 AM

I don’t believe in marriage. But I believe in you and me. 

11:20 PM

Sometimes I think about us. I think about how we made all these promises to ourselves. I think about if you plan to keep them. I think about if I plan to keep them.  You told me that when you’re forty and I’m forty-two, we’ll get married. Sometimes I think about the future. You want to make music, I want to make words. I told you I could write from anywhere. What I meant was, I would follow you anywhere. And I would. Anywhere.

Sometimes I think about us. I think about how we’re stuck this way. “Attached,” you said. As if some invisible force is holding us together. “You should get a boyfriend,” you said. “Someone to treat you right.” “I don’t want a boyfriend,” I said. And then you kissed me. 

Sometimes I think about us. I think about how you deserve better than this. “You should get a girlfriend,” I said. “Someone to treat you right.” “Find me one then,” you said. “Find us both some twins.” You could love someone else so easily. You could love anyone. You could love a pretty girl, thin, with long hair and a wide smile. “What’s the point of dating?” I asked. “To have someone to talk to,” you said.

Sometimes I think about us. I think about how I’ll never stop loving you. I think about if you’ll ever stop loving me. 

probably going to make this a personal blog.